Saved by the Neti Pot

My sinuses are on the blink again----this time clogged tightly with what feels like joint compound or caulking material. Whenever I try to inhale through my nose the air hits a roadblock and my head gets that overblown balloon that’s about to pop feeling. Since breathing tends not to be optional (with me…anyway…I’m so high maintenance), my mouth has had to take over all breathing duties and is developing a resentment about the extra work load.

If I believed that God ever used recycled parts when creating humans, I’d wager that he gave me the aftermarket sinuses of a consumptive coal miner, rather than shiny new ones right off the celestial assembly line.

Sure I’ve seen doctors about my sinus conditions. Dozens of them. Tall doctors. Small doctors. Red haired doctors. No haired doctors. ‘We’re gonna fix you once and for all” doctors and “I think you’re a hypochondriac” doctors. Even one doctor who showed me a cyst on his side that bore a striking resemblance to Harry Truman, just to demonstrate that other people have problems too. (I’m not sure if he was referring to himself or Truman.)

Yesterday, in an attempt to be funny, I posted on Facebook that I was willing to barter a gently used gall bladder or appendix for a working pair of sinuses. No one took me up on the offer, but several wrote back exclaiming and exalting something called the Neti Pot, saying that I simply MUST get one. It would change my life. The name “Neti Pot” instantly made me think of Chia Pets and Topsy Turvy Tomato Growers and Epilady leg hair rippers. How can anything called “Neti” cure my lifelong sinus ailments? I kept picturing Nettie Norman, a student from my Journalism 101 class. She rarely showed up. Maybe it was because of her sinuses. Maybe it was she who invented the Neti Pot.

Later two people sent me links to a YouTube video showing how to use the NetiPot. I watched it…. I laughed…..I watched again. I laughed some more…..incredulous. Bizarre isn’t a strong enough word to describe watching a unisexual looking person, who was probably a woman, emptying a miniature tea kettle spout into one nostril as its contents flowed out the other, cascading like a snot laden waterfall into her sink. After finishing her nasal tea, she then exhaled out both nostrils with force reminiscent of a spraying blue whale. Next she performed nasal emptying yoga exercises in her neutral hued room. I sincerely hope the woman was compensated well for this video since it probably didn’t open up many doors for bigger acting jobs. (Check out the video)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8sDIbRAXlg

After another sleepless night of trying to breathe with no success, in my weakened and groggy state, I said to myself “self, we’re gonna give Neti a try.” Meanwhile seven more people had commented on my FaceBook status that the NetiPot is the most amazing thing they’ve ever used, even more so than the Shamwow.

So, now, fresh from CVS, I sit journaling with my new $14.99 Neti Pot nasal irrigation system waiting patiently to change my life. A sticker on the box says that it was invented by Dr. Mehta. Not “acclaimed Nepalese scientist Dr Mehta” or Dr. Hazmat Mehta, chief of staff at SnotStuff Institute, a division of Johnson and Johnson” just Dr. Mehta, as if I should read his name and say “aha, Dr Mehta developed this.”

At this point, I stand up, ready to irrigate, and eventually Breathe Again, to borrow a line from Toni Braxton’s ‘90’s hit single. After flooding my nasal passages, I’ll collect the concrete-like hazardous, dried mucus and ship it to BP engineers to use in sealing off the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.

(Pause momentarily for words from our sponsor and station identification)

Okay. I’m back. Still alive and now “praise His name” I can BREATHE. That’s God’s name, by the way. Okay, I’ll give a little credit to Dr. Mehta, whose first name is Katam and he’s quite good looking. I read his bio in the instruction manual. He’s an Indian sinus cavity doctor, loves curried stir fry dishes and long walks around Mt. Everest. Oh, cool! He just accepted my friend request.

Anyway. Where was I? It’s a Miracle!!!!! Worked just like the video showed. I stuck the little blue Neti Pot spout in one nostril….and Voila salty nasal water flowed right back out the other side. Looking in the mirror, it was like a magic trick. A really lame one, but nonetheless.

Now I’m Inhaling. Exhaling. Yes. That’s my Nose doing the work all by itself. The downside is that my nostrils are burning and feel violated, like a state prisoner fresh from the showers. My head also feels empty. More empty than normal.

Now that THAT’s over, I think I’ll put some water in my Neti Pot and cut some fresh zinnias to go in it, a perfect accent to my kitchen window.