The Mother of All Complaint Letters

Yes, of course the names and locations have been changed. I think I'll start a new business "Poison Pen Custom Complaint Letters"

Dear President of Sporatic Trust Savings,

I’ve been a customer for nearly a year. After moving to Phommisboro, my husband and I realized the need to bank locally with trusted, reputable community members. We visited every financial institution in town considering the features and benefits of each. Ultimately we were proud to choose Sporatic Trust Savings.

For the most part we’ve been pleased with your service, rates and lobby décor. But words simply can’t express the frustration I feel when leaving town for a weekend getaway, driving up to your ATM only to find, once again, that it’s OUT. OF. ORDER.. This has happened to me at least three times and my husband, twice. All I can ask is W-T-H-!??!?!?!?!?

I have no idea what excuses you’re making for your ATM’s malfunction, what lame, pathetic reasons you offer customers for holding their money hostage on weekends when they just may be in a life or death situation and need cash fast. Perhaps they’re being blackmailed, have an angry dealer on their hands, or need to put down a deposit on a new liver.

Your ATM screen pleasantly says “Sorry, this machine is temporarily out of service.” Are you REALLY sorry? Or is this just empty rhetoric like the apology my husband offers when he “accidentally” flushes the toilet 12 times while I’m in the shower. My money is literally like the cork that fell in the wine bottle. You can’t get the &*%$# thing out.

If you were Bank of America, I could go literally anywhere in America. Heck, if you were Phommis Fidelity Bank, I could drive across town to the next ATM. But you’re Sporatic Trust Savings Union with ONE Single, Solitary ATM that’s about as reliable as a flashlight with three year old batteries. Having only ONE ATM should be a paramount reason to keep the thing working.

We’re pretty understanding people, my husband and I. We freely offer the benefit of the doubt. (not that doubt should be one of the benefits of banking with your institution). We understand that bad things happen. Mechanisms break, glitches pop-up. Oil wells explode in the Gulf. Obama gets elected president. The Georgia Bulldogs lose to every team except Arkansas Community College. And then smart, proactive people (usually Republicans) FIX THE PROBLEMS, even if it takes a while.

Mrs. Banker, I know that customer service is your top priority. It says so on your business card, right under your banking hours of 10 to 2 Monday through Thursday, except minor holidays and local golf tournaments. I’m quite sure that you’ll receive this letter and in a month’s time, have a committee formed to address the problem. Perhaps you’ll even send me an apology letter complete with a coupon for a Chick-Fil-A sandwich and a Sporatic Trust Savings refrigerator magnet. I have one of those already. It’s usually on the floor.

Thank you, I guess, for your eventual attention to this matter.

Sincerely,
Broke and Angry