“Angela, Honey, I’ve GOT to have the recipe for that soup you made us last night. It was DE-VINE…and such a good colon cleanser.”
This is the text I received from my friend Amanda this morning. I can’t help but wonder if she typed it from the comfort of her toilet seat, during the therapeutic internal cleansing elicited by my chicken tortilla soup. I guess I should be flattered.
Maybe it’s a niche I can fill in the meal delivery business, catering to a constipated clientele. I’ll need more prunes…or dried plums, as they call them now. Better marketing, you know.
Over the course of my adulthood, I’ve brought dinner to many a family in need of a hot meal due to sickness, death, cosmetic surgery, the birth of a new baby, as opposed to the birth of an old baby. (Why do people put “new” in front of the word “baby?” Like someone’s going to give birth to a secondhand baby, a vintage baby or a 2004 model baby with low miles, still under warranty. Sounds rather redundant to me.)Delivering meals is part of being a Southern Christian woman, up there with saying "oh my goodness" and "bless her heart."
Back to the Amanda thing: I’m not the kind of person who can send a text while using the bathroom. I have an irrational fear that it will be flagged by Verizon as a toilet text for all recipients to see. Like when someone updates their Facebook status and it says in the corner “sent from my iPhone.” I’d hate for my update to say “sent from my toilet.”
It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George took the book into the bathroom and it was flagged as unclean. I can’t risk sending unclean texts.
My husband can conduct a webinar for his entire company, complete with sound effects while doing his bathroom business. He acts as if I’m a prude for even mentioning that this might be just slightly pushing the modicum of business casual.
Even my grandmother, my GRAMMY (the local Miss Manners of her day) thinks nothing of talking on the phone while using the bathroom.
“Yes, Honey, your Aunt Gloria and I spent a whole morning cleaning out the storage house. Then we had the best lunch at that new deli downtown. They have amazing corn salad.”
**FLUSH**
“Grammy, have you been using the bathroom this whole time?”
“Oh for God’s Sake, Angela! Loosen up! Why do you have to make such a big deal out of it? I told Gloria how you got onto me for doing it last week and she said it was your problem. Not mine. You need to learn to be more accepting of people. Not everyone is as regular as you are. In fact, I haven't had a phone conversation in 20 years with your cousin Nelda where she wasn't sitting on the toilet. And I never once risked embarrassing her by bringing it up."
“Sure, Grammy. I’m sorry. But I don't think she's easily embarrassed anyway. By the way… I didn’t hear you wash your hands.”
“Oh for GOD’s SAKE, Angela! I’m washing my hands...and hanging up now!!!”
"What? Are you too modest to talk on the phone while washing your hands?"
12 comments:
OMG! I have tears running down my face! That was hysterical! And I agree with you, NO PHONE ON THE TOILET. Although I do usually take a book in with me. Even that makes my daughter gag. Good job.....very entertaining!
It is just wrong. Though I must I've done it in an emergency. Why worry about a book or magazine in the bathroom? That's why it's referred to as the Reading Room
Tell your mother that she should call my sister. I'm with you. I do not want to hear my sister open another "jar lid" while I am on the phone with her. And man, your mom has exactly the same voice as mine. I mean I heard her. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one that gets beat up by their mom.
Great read!
Absolutely hysterical. I've done this a couple times but am always fearful of being found out. Eeeegads! Have we become so busy we can't even have privacy here? I was so happy when my children were old enough that I didn't need them to accompany me to the bathroom.
Snort...that's so disgusting. Even worse? Being in a public bathroom and having someone start talking from the stall next to you. I thought she was talking to me. Wrong...she was on the phone. Really? You can't wait a couple minutes to be finished? Puleeze...
Oh that's hilarious! I thought I was the only one who thought it was funny that people would say "new baby". As if there's such a thing as an "old baby".
I think the whole talking on the toilet thing is wrong and will only resort to it in an emergency, then will flush after I hang up so the person on the other end is none the wiser!
Corn salad? I nearly choked when I read that -- Hilarious! My mother and your mother need to chat on the phone sometime. Mine even calls me when she is constipated because she says I make her relax... UGH! Will add your blog to my favorites, and if I can figure out how to put a links page on my blog, I'll add you to it! Great writing!
Ok, then why do they have telephones next to the toilet in some hotels? Hummmm? Stepping out of the shower stark naked and talking....or sitting and talking? As long as it's not one of those web cam phones or one where you can't muffle "sounds", I just never ask. I try never to sit on the toilet and answer the phone because whoever is calling always asks "What cha doing?" Funny topic and funny writing. http://themedicaremom.blogspot.com
Thanks, everyone for leaving comments. You've certainly given my family some great dinnertime conversation tonight...sans the corn salad.
I believe that if you got to go, you gotta go. If someone calls me and it is at that time, its their nickel. Might as well give them a little extra. I am just not on the phone that much but when I have to go, it could be rather urgent so I might go. SOmetimes i hold the cell phone outside the door and flush away. I have also been in the bathroom with a walkie talkie at work. You can always tell because of the echo....No class!
Angela,
That is hysterical and soooo true!
I just want you to know that I have a daughter just like you :)
She also likes to rise above our human condition. I think it takes class to have a whole conversation with someone using eight-sylable words while sitting on the John - and they don't have a clue. I hold off on the FLUSH until I hang up. I did a job interview like that once. What a load off my mind!
Rose
http://humorcolumnist.net
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