Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Toilet Telephoning: is it just me or is that.... wrong?
“Angela, Honey, I’ve GOT to have the recipe for that soup you made us last night. It was DE-VINE…and such a good colon cleanser.”
This is the text I received from my friend Amanda this morning. I can’t help but wonder if she typed it from the comfort of her toilet seat, during the therapeutic internal cleansing elicited by my chicken tortilla soup. I guess I should be flattered.
Maybe it’s a niche I can fill in the meal delivery business, catering to a constipated clientele. I’ll need more prunes…or dried plums, as they call them now. Better marketing, you know.
Over the course of my adulthood, I’ve brought dinner to many a family in need of a hot meal due to sickness, death, cosmetic surgery, the birth of a new baby, as opposed to the birth of an old baby. (Why do people put “new” in front of the word “baby?” Like someone’s going to give birth to a secondhand baby, a vintage baby or a 2004 model baby with low miles, still under warranty. Sounds rather redundant to me.)Delivering meals is part of being a Southern Christian woman, up there with saying "oh my goodness" and "bless her heart."
Back to the Amanda thing: I’m not the kind of person who can send a text while using the bathroom. I have an irrational fear that it will be flagged by Verizon as a toilet text for all recipients to see. Like when someone updates their Facebook status and it says in the corner “sent from my iPhone.” I’d hate for my update to say “sent from my toilet.”
It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George took the book into the bathroom and it was flagged as unclean. I can’t risk sending unclean texts.
My husband can conduct a webinar for his entire company, complete with sound effects while doing his bathroom business. He acts as if I’m a prude for even mentioning that this might be just slightly pushing the modicum of business casual.
Even my grandmother, my GRAMMY (the local Miss Manners of her day) thinks nothing of talking on the phone while using the bathroom.
“Yes, Honey, your Aunt Gloria and I spent a whole morning cleaning out the storage house. Then we had the best lunch at that new deli downtown. They have amazing corn salad.”
“Grammy, have you been using the bathroom this whole time?”
“Oh for God’s Sake, Angela! Loosen up! Why do you have to make such a big deal out of it? I told Gloria how you got onto me for doing it last week and she said it was your problem. Not mine. You need to learn to be more accepting of people. Not everyone is as regular as you are. In fact, I haven't had a phone conversation in 20 years with your cousin Nelda where she wasn't sitting on the toilet. And I never once risked embarrassing her by bringing it up."
“Sure, Grammy. I’m sorry. But I don't think she's easily embarrassed anyway. By the way… I didn’t hear you wash your hands.”
“Oh for GOD’s SAKE, Angela! I’m washing my hands...and hanging up now!!!”
"What? Are you too modest to talk on the phone while washing your hands?"