Wednesday, June 1, 2011
And Speaking of Dr. Oz's Colon...
“Coming up!!! Dr. Oz reveals the shocking results of his second colonoscopy.” WOW! Just….Wow. We were about to go see Pirates of the Caribbean - On Stranger Tides at Downtown Disney, but, heck, I’m staying right here on the edge of my seat. Dr. Oz’s internal organ scans are always such a thrill. It’ll be THE water cooler topic at work. And I can’t bear the thought of not being in the know…especially after missing his first colonoscopy.
You know I’m kidding. Right? I thought the Dr. Oz show was kidding too, but no. There is a thriving audience of daytime TV viewers who consider exposing irregular polyps up there with the finale of American Idol. I rarely watch TV, day or night, and had no idea what I was missing. But, here on day five of our Disney adventure, it’s been raining on and off since morning. After beating Andrew six games to two at Connect Four, he decided that tactile games that promote family bonding were not worth his seven second attention span, and went back to the comforting addiction of his Nintendo DS, like a mouse pushing the crack lever with its nose. Looking back, maybe I should’ve let him win more. Connect Four can be a tricky game of strategy and ruthlessness. It’s often blamed as an underlying cause of marital breakups.
Jack, Trevor and Colin are watching Wall-E. It plays 24-7 on a super-sized blow up screen in the lobby. I heard a guy comment to his wife that they needed a screen like that in their bedroom to review homemade porn. I haven’t been able to get that visual out of my mind. Now the innocent romance between Wall-E and EVE seems cheap, sordid and trashy.
So, I’m back in our Radisson-home-away-from-home, room 5112, watching Dr. Mehmet Oz, whose first name is more befitting of a blue furry muppet than a medical expert with abnormally white teeth. Still no shocking colonoscopy results!!! They’ve left us all hanging, wringing our hands in fear of the toxic munchkins lurking in the “Land of Oz’s Colon.” Right now he’s explaining to an anonymous black woman why she occasionally has orgasms during bowel movements. Talk about a great party trick for the nursing home crowd!! She may want to lay-off the oyster chili.
What? No way!!! The show is...ENDING! The credits are about to roll and they’ve postponed Dr. Oz’s colonoscopy results until Friday! But…it’s only Wednesday! How will I get through the next 48 hours? We’re supposed to go to the Magic Kingdom tomorrow! I won’t be able to enjoy a single thing in anticipation of Friday’s episode.
This isn’t fair! They can’t do this to us! And Pirates of the Caribbean 4? Well that could never be this entertaining!