Friday, November 8, 2013

People and Things that Annoy Me (no, I'm not talking about you.)

It’s been too long since I've written anything.  I've started to get that mentally constipated feeling from not flushing out my thoughts regularly. So now my brain is backed up and writing this blog post is going to require a long period of sitting and straining. Two additional sentences containing overly descriptive metaphors were edited out after James (the voice of decency) threatened to divorce me. If you already read the previous version, please forgive my lack of judgement.

JAMES: "Oh fergodsake, Honey! That's disgusting!!!

ME: "I thought it was funny.... and clever."

JAMES: "You need help."

It’s become a tradition for people to spend the month of November announcing things that they’re thankful for a day at a time. I’m sure that right now your Face Book news feed is filled with line after line of users expounding on their wonderful kids, their patient and loving spouses, their awesome coworkers, their salvation and the super-great parents who raised them. I've joined the trend, writing my own gratitude list.

It’s proven that people who focus on thankfulness are happier.

Because of all this positivity, I feel a backlog of unexposed complaints littering my subconscious and probably causing my mental constipation. Therefore, I think it’s time to open the flood gates on the things that irk me lately.

So here goes…. in no particular order.

1)      People who put my life (and my kids’ lives) in jeopardy by running red lights. A red light is NOT a suggestion. It means STOP! I strongly believe that we should be able to fire shots at vehicles that barrel through red lights. Not at the driver specifically. Maybe just shoot out a tire or two. If these inconsiderate jerks are going to scare the crap out of me, then I should offer them the same thrill. Let that become a law and brakes will be screeching at the first hint of yellow.

2)      . Apostrophe abuse. Almost as unpardonable as genocide.
That HURTS! Make it go away!

3)      Skinny jeans. They don’t make you look skinny. They just redistribute your poundage so that you’re shaped like a lumpy, gelatinous mushroom….or that tall red apple Fruit-of-the-Loom character. I’m sick of seeing middle-aged women stuffed into water hose-sized pants while their midsections burgeon over the waist band like an exploded can of biscuits. This is NOT a good look.

4)      Running out of garbage bags.

5)      People who publicly suck up to their superiors. No one is impressed by the fact that you’ve relocated your office space into your boss’s lower GI tract. This is the kind of behavior that will cause your coworkers to trip you in the hallway and siphon the gas out of your car. (Two jobs ago, I had a coworker who was guilty of this and I’m just getting around to being mad about it. Writing helps you to realize important things like this.)

6)      The McRib sandwich.

7)      Teachers who criticize their students on Face Book. What. Are. You. Thinking??? We don’t have to hire Columbo to figure out which remedial cretin you’re bashing today. Okay, so after re-reading #7, I realize that I’m guilty of that same brand of passive-aggressive “I’m not naming names, but you know whom I’m talking about” sort of writing. But it’s different and acceptable when I do it.

8)      People who use double standards to excuse the same bad behavior in themselves that they reprimand others for.

9)      People who take their kids’ sports activities way too seriously as if they have one last shot at their MLB dreams through their 54-pound first grader. I especially want to backhand the coaches who show up to rec team drafts thinking they’re George Steinbrenner. (Oh wait. I think my husband and several of our good friends do that. But there’s really nothing wrong with it when THEY do it.)

10)   Double standards.

11)   Businesses with the word “Sassy” in the name.

12)   Raisins. I hate them. I also hate prunes and dates. Any fruit that could be mistaken for an insect by a near-sighted person should be outlawed. “Hey Trail Mix Makers, are you reading this???” More M&M’s! No RAISINS!”

13)   iOS 7

14)   The threesome (two gals and a middle-aged guy) who work out together at Fairview Fitness. I’m sure they’re probably nice people, but during their entire workout, they never leave each others’ sides. They tediously visit each weight machine slowly taking turns and chatting non-stop like newly reunited orphans. If you ever get behind them, waiting for a machine, you might as well hang it up. They’ll be there for an hour, lazily doing reps while reliving Christmas memories from 1993. It’s like they’re afraid to be apart for even a second. Like if one of them should wander over to the water fountain, the other two would suffer oxygen deprivation.

15)   The entire state of Minnesota.

16)   SUVs don’t come in pastel colors. Why is it that the Ford Explorer is available in 29 different shades of gray, but not aqua? I see Fiats and Beetles in vibrant ice cream hues that perfectly match my pedicure. But I can’t fit my family in one of these Hot Wheels-sized cars. What’s a gal to do? I refuse to settle for just white. If I do, I’ll just have to take it down to the Southside and have it painted. That’d be cool if you could show up to a car painting place with your favorite nail polish in hand and say “I want this color.”
(long pause to think)

So, I guess I could only come up with sixteen things that bother me. I feel happier already.
Happy Friday, everyone!

1 comment:

Shay Trashay said...

The apostrophe thing kills me, too! And I used to feel the same way about the skinny jeans--until one of my best friends gave me a pair that she said she KNEW would look great on me. I was skeptical...until I tried them on. I remember saying, "I'll pay you anything you want for them, because I'm never taking them off." The pics you chose to go wtih your post made me laugh out loud!